


So Don't You Start to Bury the Good (With the Bad and the Ugly)

by sartiebodyshots



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: For Caleb and Nott's respective backstories, Gen, Pre-Series, Soulmates, spoilers up through ep 49, up through partway through the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 08:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17915669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sartiebodyshots/pseuds/sartiebodyshots
Summary: Not everyone has soulmates.  That's okay.  She's fine with that, really.  And he's grateful for it.(They don't have soulmates, until, suddenly, they do)





	So Don't You Start to Bury the Good (With the Bad and the Ugly)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Colony House's Silhouettes.

Everyone knows that some people can feel other people.  Not everyone, just your soulmate- someone you belong with in some way or another.  

Veth doesn’t have a soulmate.  It’s just one more thing that she’s not.  Not pretty, not smart, not normal, not loved, not lovable.  

But Yeza loves her, and he takes care of her, and they have a son that they both adore, and it’s everything that Veth could have dreamed of.  Life is imperfect because life always is, but it is her life, and she loves it with her whole heart.

And then.

Veth dies.  Veth drowns.  Water fills her lungs and dies.  

And Nott is born.

* * *

Bren has never felt anything before.  Not in the soulmate way. It makes him feel alone when he’s young.  But not everyone has a soulmate, for one reason or another.

This is a relief when Trent shoves crystals in his skin for the first time.  The pain is blinding, beyond anything that he’s experienced, and Bren is glad that nobody else has to experience this with him.  Trent teaches him new ways to be in pain, and it’s good that he’s doing it alone.

When Bren flees, it’s good not to have anyone to worry about.  He is poison to anyone that comes near him, to anyone he cares about, so to know that there is nobody at all is… good.  Being alone is good.

Bren is curled under a tree when it happens.  It’s a cold night, getting colder, when it feels like he’s been dunked under water.  He struggles for breath and his chest constricts. 

How did Trent find him?  He’s in the middle of the forest, hasn’t seen another human being in weeks.  

He can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe, and maybe it’s better this way because this is quick.  Bren had expected that Trent would want to prolong his torture, but as his vision starts to turn black, it’s apparently going to be quick.  

_ I am sorry, mom and dad.  I failed you one last time. _

But instead of passing out or dying, air just fills Bren’s lungs.  It would be pleasant, except Trent must be toying with him. 

Bren hops to his feet, ready to defend himself.  He looks around, and, nothing. No attack, no one around.  

It takes ten seconds to pack everything he owns.  Bren disappears from the forest. On his way out, there’s a bright burst of pain and a wave of nausea that makes him drop to his knees.  For reasons that he can’t explain, he’s vomiting in the grass. 

Frumpkin licks his face when he collapses by the pile of his own vomit.

“What’s going on, my friend?” Bren murmurs.  

Frumpkin has no answer.

* * *

It is the most bizarre sensation that Bren has ever experienced.  Over the course of the next couple weeks, he is punched, kicked, slapped, burned, and more by invisible hands.  Fear that Trent has found him drives him to keep moving, barely stopping to sleep for an hour or two. 

Why doesn’t he just take him already?  Just stop toying with him and take him to be tortured and disposed of?  Trent must know that this isn’t enough pain to actually  _ hurt _ him, not anymore, so what is the point of this?

One day, it stops.  At least, it becomes very occasional, versus a daily occurrence.  Bren still doesn’t feel like he can stop much, but at least he starts sleeping again.  

At least he’s still alone.

* * *

Nott realizes first that she’s no longer alone.  She’s sleeping alone in a dumpster, out of sight of anyone, when a giant blast hits her chest.  Her heart pounds as she looks for the source of the blast, and there’s no one. Even when she peeks her head out, nobody in sight.

Then she remembers Veth’s grade school taunting, how they described phantom pain with no clear source.  A strangled cry works its way out of her throat as she puts the pieces together. A few weeks ago, there were invisible claws scraping across her legs, and she’s started feeling cat scratches against her at random intervals.  She’s never had a cat.

The dumpster is suddenly too small, and she scrambles her way out.  There was a tavern not too far away, and she needs a drink all of a sudden.  

The doors are locked, lights off, that’s fine, pick the lock, climb over the bar, grab what’s closest.  Tear the cap off, drink drink drink until she doesn’t feel this pulse pounding terror anymore. 

Her whole life without a soulmate.  Fine, she was fine with that. Not everyone had one!  It really wasn’t  _ that _ weird.  But now, now that she’s this… thing?  Now she has a soulmate? There’s some filthy goblin out there that she’s linked to, some cruel thing.  Can she have nothing of herself, for herself? Shit, shit, shit, shit. She hates this, hates this all.  

Nott drinks until she passes out on the bar.

* * *

Bren’s skull is pounding.  He’s had a hangover before, but never one this bad.  It’s made all the more galling by the fact that he didn’t have anything to drink last night.  He found enough coin to pay for a tavern room in the bad side of the town he’s arrived in, but not enough for food or drink.  

After his last few months of absolute terror, even just having a roof over his head felt like a luxury that he didn’t deserve.  That some magical trap blasted him in the chest last night made the bed even more welcome. 

Bren burrows under the ragged sheets, not wanting to move.  His head is pounding and every time he even thinks about opening his eyes, it gets worse.  

His back jolts like he’s fallen out of bed, but when he opens his eyes (ouch), he’s still in bed.  

Things slot into place, right then.  The phantom pain and Trent’s strange behavior.  There’s some poor person out there linked to his tattered soul, and they have had an agonizing time recently.  

Well, anyone who is his soulmate must not be a good person.  They must deserve the hurting because the gods know he does. 

Bren stays in bed too late, and he gets kicked out of the inn.  

* * *

“My name is Caleb,” he says.  

He doesn’t think that it will stick.  He’ll only be with this goblin for a day.  Maybe a week, if things go well. They broke out of prison okay, but he doesn’t really do…. spending extended time with other people.

“I’m Nott,” she says.  “Nott the Brave.”

Caleb smiles.

Weeks go by, and he settles into being Caleb.  It’s not bad. It’s not bad not being alone with Nott.

* * *

Having a soulmate isn’t all pain.  

* * *

They’ve been apart of the Mighty Nein for a while when it happens.  

Caleb is hit by a firebolt, right to the chest.  He jolts upright for a moment, back straight. His mouth is a perfect o shape before he crumples in a heap.  

One of the warriors steps on him, and Nott cries out in terror.  She shoots the warrior twice before dashing over to Caleb’s side.  

His mud spattered face is paler than usual, and she searches anxiously for Caduceus.  He’s clear across the field, near Jester of course. Why are those two always together?  

Nott stands over Caleb, sniping out anyone who even thinks about looking at him.  She will not lose Caleb. She will not. 

When the battle is over, she calls Caduceus and Jester over, throwing her crossbow down and cradling his head in her hands.  There’s a smoking ruin where his chest used to be, and Nott can taste burnt flesh in her mouth.

“I don’t have any spells left!” Jester says when she sees Caleb’s state.  

“Mr. Clay-”

“I’m sorry, Nott,” Caduceus says, resting a hand on her shoulder.  “I can try to bandage his wounds.”

“Well, shit, get on it!” Nott says.

She strokes his hair, watching his face for any sign of life.  However, his face just grows paler and paler, despite whatever it is that Caduceus and Jester are doing.  

“It’s not working,” Nott says, fingers twitching.  

If Caleb dies, she’ll never be Veth again.  If Caleb dies, Caleb will be gone. Caleb can’t die.  No. 

A strange tingle wiggles its way from her chest down to her fingers.  She ignores it, though, too focused on Caleb. She can’t tell if it’s her imagination or what, but color is almost returning to his face.  

Caleb gasps, sits up, and Nott can feel everything again.  She grins over at Caduceus and Jester, grateful that they saved his life once more.  

Except, they’re not looking joyous or triumphant.  Just confused.

“Nott,” Jester says, drawing out the name.  “You never said that you and Caleb were soulmates!”  

“What?” Nott and Caleb speak in unison.  

“Jester’s right- look at Caleb’s chest,” Caduceus says.  “We didn’t do that.”

Nott looks, and where the smoking wound was is perfectly healed skin.  There’s not even a scar or any residual sign of injury. Only the charred remains of Caleb’s shirt show that there was any injury at all.  

She thinks back, pieces of the last few months slotting into place.  Some twisted magic tied her to Caleb; she’s hurt her boy so many times when she was trying to protect him.  He is good and brave and smart and capable and she’s… Nott. 

“I’m sorry, Caleb!” Nott says, getting to her feet.  She’s not sure what she’s apologizing for- for the pain, for the disappointment of being her.  “I’m so sorry!”

Before Caleb- or anyone else- can say anything, Nott is darting away, the possible ramifications hitting her.  Caleb would have felt the birth of her child. No, she never felt anything when she was Veth. But maybe Caleb just had never been hurt at that point.  Maybe he knows everything now- or at least enough. 

Caleb calls her name, but Nott doesn’t answer.  She’s not going far, but she can’t look at him right now.

* * *

Caleb watches Nott’s retreating back.  He should get up and run after her- he feels better than he’s felt in his whole life, or for at least a long, long time- but he’s still reeling.  

There was fire in his chest.  It ate at his everything. He was unconscious, and he was going beyond that.  How he knows that, Caleb isn’t sure, but he does.

But he sure doesn’t feel like he was dying a moment ago.

“N-nott saved me?” Caleb asks, looking down at his chest.  “How? She doesn’t know how to heal.”

“You guys really didn’t know?” Caduceus says.  “That’s a nice surprise.”

Caleb tugs his bandages, itchy against his skin.  “Yeah, yeah, I guess. I’ve got to go find her. She took a few hits.”

Nott was with him the whole time.  The torture with Trent, the years in the asylum (what did she even feel then?  Maybe that was blank space. Empty years like it was for him. Maybe he was hurt, and he just forgot), the years spent on the streets.  All of it with Nott experiencing it with him.

Oh, his friend deserves so much better.  

Jester waves a hand and repairs his shirt.  “There! Now you can go and look presentable!”

“Thanks,” Caleb murmurs.  

Caleb stands up, follows the last direction he saw Nott go.  He can’t hope to track her, but he hopes that if he heads in her general direction and calls her name softly, she’ll answer. 

“You’re giving away our position,” Nott’s voice comes from behind him and up.  

Even with hearing her voice, it takes him a long moment to spot her up in the tree.  She’s curled in on herself, but she’s watching him with bright golden eyes. 

“I wanted to come thank you for saving my life,” Caleb says.  “I understand that without you, I would be dead.”

“That’s what they say,” Nott says.  “Maybe you’re bonded to Jester or Caduceus.  They were touching you, too.” 

“I understand why you would like another soulmate, but I don’t think so,” Caleb says.  

Caleb lights a flame with a snap of his fingers.  Watching Nott for any reaction, he lowers his other hand into the flame.  It doesn’t hurt at first, but the burn grows. 

“Stop it, stop!” Nott says once the burn intensifies.  “Don’t hurt yourself, Caleb.”

“Did you feel that?” Caleb asks.  

“Yeah,” Nott says, looking like she’s about to bolt again.  “Yeah, yeah, I felt that.”

“I want to apologize, Nott,” Caleb says.  “I am sorry for what I know being connected to me entailed.”

“Oh, no, Caleb, don’t apologize,” Nott says.  “It wasn’t very much, really. I was fine!”

“You are very kind, my friend,” Caleb says.  “Do you mind coming down here? I feel foolish yelling into a tree.”

Nott scampers down to a lower branch.  She’s closer to eye level, at least, and looks less inclined to run away.  

“I’m sorry, too.  I’m so sorry, Caleb,” Nott says.  

“You are the first person that I spent any time with in a long, long time, and I consider myself very lucky that you allowed me to come with you,” Caleb says.  His voice cracks a bit; he’s not good at this. “Will you come here, please?”

Nott blinks at him, slow, steady, and she jumps forward.  

Caleb catches her easily, cuddling her close.  She is more solid than she looks, thanks to all the muscle, but still light enough for him to hold her easily.

“I suppose it is nice to have a way to help keep you on your feet.  You get hit an awful lot,” Nott says with a shaky laugh. 

Caleb smiles at her.  “I am trying to do better.”

“Not sure I believe you, but okay,” Nott says.  “I’m glad that you’re okay.”

Nott reaches out to brush some hair out of his eyes, careful with her claws as always.  She examines him for a long moment and then nods, just a little. 

“Shall we return to the group?” Caleb asks.  

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good.”

* * *

They find lodging for the night, and Caleb and Nott peel off to their room.  Nott still feels slightly jittery about this whole thing. About being connected to Caleb and not knowing what he knows.  

Nott tries to putter about as normal, dividing her buttons up and putting her collection away and dividing them up and putting them away.  She very carefully doesn’t look too much at Caleb. 

It’s not a problem- he’s studying with his books all night- until late at night when they go to bed.  There’s only one bed, which is fine. They snuggle up back to back, sharing the blanket. 

“Nott…” Caleb’s voice is soft, gentle.  “If you would ever like to talk about anything, I am always here to listen.”

“And what if I don’t want to?” Nott says.  

Water in her lungs, head under water, Luke’s sick face in the goblin camp, torturing a halfling man with curly brown hair, can’t breathe, running so far and fast that Yeza and Luke have become blurry.  She doesn’t know if she has the words to say it to Caleb, not yet.

“That is fine, too,” Caleb says.  “Whatever you need, Nott.”

Caleb’s not a goblin.  Caleb’s not cruel. Caleb is smart and good, and somehow, becoming Nott bonded her to him.  

That’s… unsettling.  

Maybe shitty?

Maybe not?

They sleep, and life goes on.  It’s mostly the same, a little bit different.  The others give them more weird looks, but that’s nothing new.  Nott settles into this new, slightly shifted reality, and decides that it’s not something that she needs to cope with, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) yes I know about the spare the dying cantrip, but, like dramatic tension, you know? Or maybe they didn't have it prepared lmao
> 
> 2) I watched the Talks Machina episode after ep 49, and I forget if it was Sam or Liam, but one of them mentioned that Nott and Caleb wouldn't have the same connection if Nott had never been Nott, and I thought that was such a great thought, especially while I was perusing a list about soulmate aus.
> 
> 3) Nott and Caleb are platonic soulmates and I love it so much


End file.
